A male bull can weigh up to 3,800 pounds. All bone and sinew and rage and ferocity. They can get up to 30 miles an hour at a full gallop. Their horns can punch holes in car doors, they can toss rodeo clowns nearly 30 feet in the air. There’s no questioning the sheer physical power of a bull, and his ability to impose his will on the world.
But, they are stupid. At the end of the day they are the matdor’s bitch.
A matador knows that a bull has no cunning, just brute strength. And bravery. A bull can charge, a bull can lower its head and run forward. And then its tricks are used up. And if you can get the bull to charge a cape, you are safely unharmed. Most bulls just charge capes. They aren’t afraid, they just don’t think tactically.
I spent a long time charging capes. I spent a long time spoiling for a fight and being ready to get mad. Charging capes. You slight me? I go to war. I don’t flail. I know that people at work hate it when it impacts them at home. I know that people are gravely concerned about their reputations. All of this war shit, it doesn’t matter.
And all my passion and energy is used up on nothing. I’ve gone to war, maybe even won. I’ve let my will be known, and my tantrums have always, always had teeth. I’ve always known the lessons learned in fight club: it’s damn near impossible to have anyone pick a fight with you. This is true especially when you don’t live near readnecks. Rednecks are crazy. I don’t mess with rednecks.
I’ve got good war stories. I’ve got times where I used my creativity to get my way, and where my willingness to do…literally anything has won. But more often, when I win a battle, I creep out my friends. “Better not piss Chris off” segues into “Chris is F#@%ing crazy, better stay the F#@% away.” Being the dude that has the clever putdown has some acute limitations. Nobody trusts you.
I’ve been a bull all my life. Anything to get the job done. And that serves its purpose. Being a taskmaster has some upside. But the downside is that you’re wasting time on stuff that doesn’t matter. Your ego means that you need to win, or beat people.
Time to grow out of that, time to be peaceful. Time to use whatever talent I have to uplift people, and ignore the buttons. Time to help people.
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