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Happiness, Bliss, Duty & Fulfillment

By Filed Under: entitlementality, Start Here

Been thinking a lot today, as the song goes.   A paradox:  most of my unhappiness comes from the unbridled and selfish pursuit of pure happiness. Or the pursuit of bliss/pleasure/adulation/gratification.  Most of the times that I feel self loathing, I feel that way because I am gonna get embarrassed from saying or doing something vaguely (or maybe not so vaguely) smarmy and shady.

Seeking bliss alone makes you a target.  If you, as a reptile, just look for the next opportunity to catch a beery buzz or socially climb by insinuating that such-and-such did this and that…it might give you a fleeting satisfaction.   And it might manifest itself in a million different ways, but at the end of the day, it’s only a moment.  “He sought the most pleasure for himself,” is not a legacy that is we want on our tombstones.   Seeking bliss means that we become addicted to it, and then we spend time chasing bliss, the next high, the next big thing, the next bit of praise from the cool kids.

The chase for approbation also withers our souls.  When we become adulation addicted, and when we become dependent on what other people think of us as a measure of worth, then the bliss we seek is subject to approval.  We’re looking over our shoulders to make sure that others approve of our grotesque pursuit of happiness.  We try to reconcile the paradox of being pure bliss seekers with needing to have praise for others, not knowing that they are impossible to balance.  We wind up lying to cover the pursuit of our bliss.  When we lie, we wind up lying to hide the lies and our lives become caught in a paradox.

I’m seeing my generation now–my peer–crash shoals of seeking bliss.  Judging acquaintances on “how happy the other person makes me,” and activities through the “what am I gonna get” prism means everything situational: if it’s expedient to break a promise (or a vow) to achieve bliss, that’s simply what we do.

The thing is, the longer I live, the more I realize that seeking instant gratification isn’t going to do it for me.  It’s not going to make me happy–not going to make me have more utils of pleasure.  We think we’re victims and entitled to more when someone has the appearance of more pleasure.   We don’t get that we’ve screwed up, we don’t get the idea that we’ve all messed each other over, and we all deserve a worse fate than we’re getting.  We some how spend a lifetime seeking our pleasure and when we don’t catch that phantom, we feel like we’re victims.  The siren still calls us all the time: there’s more more more more just over here.

The thing is–when we serve for the right reasons (not, say, to seek approval, but to honestly be of service), when we get past ourselves and do something because we care we feel something that we can’t get when we chase it.  When we chase “charity” because we’re hoping it makes us happy, it never does.  But when we chase it because it’s the right thing to do, and because we’re over ourselves, then something wonderful and inspiring can happen.  When we empty ourselves of the worldly desires of seeking the pleasure du jour…we can then see what’s truly possible to achieve.

How do you think we do that?

Entanglement

By Filed Under: entitlementality
jefferson

Peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations – entangling alliances with none.”  -Thomas Jefferson.

Without apology I’ve pared down the people in my life.  Without apology, I’ve gotten rid of the distracting, the dramatic, the weary and the crazymakers.  In order to serve people at the highest level, I have to get rid of people that prevent me from doing that.  It seems like it’s not hard, but it is.  When you’re entangled with people in full blown adult failure spiral, they make you think a different standard is OK.  Adult failure spiral, when your around it, is kinda captivating.  Kinda addictive, and then you think that that kinda stuff is acceptable.  Because you want to be a nice guy.  The flop sweat stink of failure gets on you and it’s hard to get off.

Social media is cool, but it doesn’t obligate you to give too much access to people that don’t have anything to offer.  You can connect with whom you chose to, and you should be cordial with all.  You don’t need to let someone else’s drama become yours.  You don’t need to let someone else’s whim become yours, and you gotta be comfortable in your own skin.

If you’re an approbation junkie, needing your ‘attaboy’ fix from anywhere, you’re only going to shovel people in your lives that trade that for letting them cancer your thoughts with the idea that adult failure spiral is fine.   The need for approbation makes you weak in a million ways.  If you want to do something, transmute that need into the need to do astonishingly good work, work that pleases you, work that is detail perfect.  Needing praise just shuts doors in your face.

None of this is saying “be a spiteful jerk.”   What I am saying is this:

  1. You don’t have to engage everyone that engages you.
  2. You can ignore emails
  3. It’s OK when people ignore your emails.
  4. Ditto with phone calls.
  5. Same deal with Twitter messages, facebook pokes or whatever.  Don’t be pissy when people don’t respond, and don’t respond when you don’t have it in you  (exceptions apply).
  6. You don’t need to make people wallow in your drama, it make your drama more real when you relive the bad stuff that happens.
  7. You don’t need to wallow in other people’s as a quid pro quo for them to call you a ‘nice guy.’
  8. Some relationships dissipate, some enrich.  You don’t need to be in the dissipatory parts.
  9. Focus on service to already engaged servable people.
  10. Limits preserve your ability to help other people.

The hook that they use to keep you around is “that you’re being a jerk.”  The hook is social pressure to validate them.  And the trade isn’t worth it.  The people that you let into your life, particularly your circle must be winners.  People you want to be like, people that put you on your toes and keep you on your best behavior.  People that you’re honored to call brothers or sisters.  Not just people that show up and tell insipid stories.

Next post: 2010 Business Plan

Anti-Social Mediocrity: Screw Validation

By Filed Under: entitlementality

People that can’t sell seek validation as a way to feel good about their social media efforts.  The only score card that matters, though, is the ability to get people to take action.  But, social mediocrities must feel good about the hours they spend on Twitter.  They have to keep score in some other way: followers, retweets.  To feel better about themselves, they get a chorus of mediocrities screaming “hallelujah, brother, you said it best.”   That’s meaningless.  What’s better: 15 people that will drop $100 bucks when you say so, or 10,000 people that will retweet your every word?  Thought so.

But, all the social mediocrities  are popular. They approve.  Engage, connect. Don’t be pushy. How dare you try and sell to me using social media. No achievement, and yes, you must submit your every thought to Twitter in order for us to vet what you’re doing next.   Americans have been fighting mob enforced behavior norms since the Salem Witch Trials.

Spam: The Ultimate Insult.

The nasty accusation of “spamming” almost always follows those that monetize their following.  The medicorities insist that everything you say must be said (a) for free and (b) for no financial compensation to you.  They’d rather wade through shitty but “pure” advice than take action great advice that costs.

When you engage the social mediocrities, there’s a rule.  You’re only permitted to sell but rarely, and only IF you’ve provided value (in their eyes, to their standards).  And even when you have provided value, other people place a claim on what you can/can’t do by sending you nastygrams when you dare try and make a living.   You’ll be a spammer, otherwise, even if you’re not technically spamming, and even if they DID opt into your list.

The next frequent insult is calling you “unprofessional”  nothing more clearly marks someone as an idiot as the frequent and shrill cry of “unprofessional” to insult those that are smarter and faster than they are.  The second time you try to hang the albatross of “unprofessional” to describe someone that is having more success than you is when I tune out forever.  What the hell does “unprofessional” even mean? Dan Kennedy is ugly and unprofessional.  He’s also dirty, fithy stinking rich.

ROI & Social Media: The Real Currency

Validation is not currency. You can’t send Twitter Followers to pay your AMEX Bill.  You don’t get ahead when you demonstrate that you live in lockstep with the masses who, by definition are average.  You don’t get ahead by following the tired and vague formula “engage & connect.”  What does that even mean?  Go say hi?  Big. Old. Waste. Of. Time.

ROI matters.  It’s the end all, be all.  You’ve gotta track it, and if your social media goon is saying it can’t be tracked, then they’re full it it.  Wide swatches can be tracked, measured, tested and duplicated.

Hey, Jealousy

When there’s backlash against social media monetization, it’s because there is  jealousy against those of us that earn money.  Most people on social media, hell, most Americans, are deeply in debt and gravely scared, stuck at work unable to segue.  When people are in that moneydrunk panicked state, they’re not gonna act normal. I know. The IRS pursued me so hard and during the darkest part of that,  I lashed out at people that loved me, people that supported me, let alone strangers. It’s nearly impossible to be sane or kind to others when you’re hording pennies in a workaday battle for survival.  The people that haven’t had their fix of cash focus on “need cash-need-cash-need-cash” not “how can I truly be helpful.”

Most people are unhelpful in any way that matters.  Most people are negative and sour, and they will pull you down and harm you.  Because when you succeed you demonstrate that they could succeed too.   And when you demonstrate something that they are not doing right, you indirectly point out what they haven’t done.  This makes them use what they have–social acceptance–as a tether.  When you value other people’s thoughts and opinions of you, you open yourself up to this.

So what to do?

Sure:

  1. Set Your Own Agenda
  2. Be Selective On Who You Interact With. (Key.  Mediocrities get mediocre all over you)
  3. Help Others Proactively and With All Your knowledge.
  4. Earn money.  Nothing in the world restores your sanity fastest
  5. Be yourself, don’t be an echo of the social media greats
  6. Realize there’s always room at the table for excellent people with loads to give.
  7. Be happy about others successes: they are lighting the path for you to follow.
  8. Do It Your Way.
  9. Promote those that are scary good and scary different.
  10. Pick your own tribe, don’t let your tribe pick you.

Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Entitlementality: Cancer Of Success

By Filed Under: entitlementality, Start Here

I’ve been playing at it for a long time, but I’m completely convinced that entitlementality is why people don’t succeed.  Some that the world owes you a living, that your talents are more than they are, and that you earn something because of your “talent” is bullshit.

When you think you “deserve” something from your employer, from the world, you’re focusing inward.  Your eyes are tuned to what you’re supposed to be getting.  And as a consequence, there’s always someone prettier, luckier or more connected than we are.  Focusing on that will make you nuts.  Talent…doesn’t…matter without service to others.

The deal is we get paid because we are of service to others.  We get paid only because we are here to help other people.  Not because of our talent which is over rated, but because of what we’re able to do that others want.  And at every level, we can provide what others want.  All we have to do is admit it.  Admit that what we made doesn’t have a market, or that it’s not good enough to get people excited.

The world has rules, and the most simple one is this: if you serve others at the highest level, you’ll become rich in friends, money, opportunity, connection.  If you try for a living through arbitrage or self focus, the poison you swallow will eventually kill you.

So the question is this: instead of focusing on what you get, what are you doing to focus on how you can help others?  Instead of focusing on how that dude ripped you off, ask what did you do for that dude–did you keep your promises?  Did you serve?  Did you help?

Your wallet is the first to know where your focus is.  Think of the people that you admire.  They are highly paid servants that chose what service they were going to perform.  They are not focused on grabbing all they can, but proudly performing an amazing service that is valuable to others.

How Not To Be a Troll: Kill Your Entitlementality For Your Own Good

By Filed Under: entitlementality, Start Here
Businessman with Ball and Chain

When you are focused on what you’re here to GET, you’re never, ever going to win.

I have a private list on Twitter called “content heroes.” These people  push out great, usually free, content often in their niche. I follow them avidly and devour everything they make. There are 21 names on that list, a few of ‘em are: Brian Clark, Chris Garrett, Michael Martine, Sonia Simone, Chris Brogan, Hugh MacLeod, Nametag Scott Ginsberg, Ian Greenleigh, Jim Kukral and Dave Navaro. These dudes are my trusted filters and my daily news.

Success Leaves Clues: Figure Out Why They Are Successful

I’m grateful that our economy is so good that it supports the work of these people to the point where they can pump out stuff for free and for cheap. I’ve made money off of the free and cheap stuff. Some specific examples:

Chris Brogan’s Trust Agents: Found it too long, but it gave me a vocabulary that I didn’t have and inspired me to set a good example of doing things above board. (His Overnight Success stuff is pretty promising, too).  This has lead to me approaching clients with giant balls.

Nametag Scott’s intimidating mass of content: Scott’s showed me lots of things. Morning pages, which I do a lot.

Brian Clark’s “Authority Rules:” That’s sold clients for me. I’ve emailed that pdf and persuaded people to buy a blog or get some planning done.

Dave Navarro’s Blog: Holy crap. Talk about action items.   Probably the best “free” stuff on the entire Internet.

Everyone I follow leaves clues. I’m profoundly grateful, and feel lucky and fortunate that these dudes can profit from giving free stuff away. Because the ideas I see that I dig, I synthesize. I use as my own. As is their intent.

It didn’t used to be that way. I used to be hyper and angry about it. I used to want specific and a step by step guide to my own success. For free. I used to get angry because I hadn’t learned the mindset that makes success inevitable. I was on some lists that had 3/4 good content that I could take action on.

I Deserve More, More: I’m Entitled.

But when a dude had the audacity to try to sell me something or send me an affiliate link? Oh, hell no. That was un-fuggin-acceptable to me. Mentally, I was lost. “This dude is just trying to sell me, screw him.” I was mad about being used, being monetized. Despite the good content, the fact that there was some portion of it that was interested in making money, I was enraged. I would unsubscribe.

It was about me. How dare this dude try to monetize me. How dare they try to do something to me. Nevermind the fact that I got great content (that I wasn’t ready to act on). This sumbitch tried to sell me? How DARE HE!

Why was I mad?  Bottom line: I was broke, confused and lost.  I was pissed because the world was passing me by, I didn’t have enough to give, so I didn’t have the cash to jump on good ideas.  I was mad because I wanted the stuff that I was being sold, but $160 or more was out of reach.  My entitle mentality made things about me. Get it?

Entitlementality is cancer of the will.

OK, let’s be really, really clear.  When you are focused only on what you’re getting, how your own experience is, you’re going to fail.  You’re so limited by those ideas that it’s nearly impossible to succeed.  When you’re focused on how much you deserve, and you turn your eyes inward, you’re gonna get a close up view of your faults and flaws.  Your ego will reject them and put the blame on others.

You can’t survive with this mindset.  You are here and born to give something, not get something.  Gratitude is the chemotherapy that kills entitlementality.  Instead of being pissy about the valid efforts of good people to earn their living, why not simply be happy that you got some ideas, why not be ready to take action on the good stuff you’ve gotten?

Left untended, though this is a natural process.  You focus on yourself, we all do.  It’s a poison we swallow that is so very limiting.  What about helping others?  What happens when you give all you can to that?  I’ll tell you what: you succeed financially, especially when you let go of the self righteous “all I do is focus on others” line that people that don’t really focus on others give you.

When you kill your entitlementailty, you can finally succeed.  You will have a hard time doing anything good without accepting the fact that you’re paid in proportion to how much you’re been of service to others.  With very few exceptions, bubbles and anomalies, that’s how the world works.  Embrace that idea and up your service.  The “How” is on its way.

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