I’ve always been fascinated Prospero. His resolution and surrender has stuck with me since tenth grade english class. Like Cincinattus, a man with power not needing to wield it, not needing to tempt the fates. A man ready to leave. Not willing to be Willie Mays and hang on a day too long. Having the choice to just surrender has been against my character, but I understand retirement, I understand wanting peace.
I have a lot of the traits of an addict and a sociopath. I am ruthless when I need to be, charming when I can be. I have a wider variety of tools in my toolbox: from Tyler Dursden style breaking social norms, to flat out unexpected (and self serving) acts if generosity. I’ve let my emotions control a lot of my moments, and I’ve allowed myself to break focus from what I can accomplish, what I can do and what I can be.
Mostly because of some sort of mid grade, quick fix narcissism that short circuits me a little bit. People don’t admit what I admit. I started walking the honesty path a couple years ago because my life wasn’t working.
Charisma, Lies & Threats: The Guide To Being A Sociopath
I used Charisma, Lies and Threats to get by a lot more than anyone should have. I did things that I’m not proud of. Understand? OK, stay with me here. I say that in the past because that’s the aspiration. I’m trying–hard–to move towards a life with honor, integrity and all things good. I don’t know what they are. I can’t handle the anxious and graceless piety of Midwestern Christians. I can’t handle the premise that without an afterlife this life is meaningless. This life is sweet, and precious, and I love what’s now and what’s next.
Still–without admitting that you screwed up, you can’t become the man you wanna be. I have been a mortgage guy, a realtor. Those industries, like it or not, have a lot of liars in there. When you hang out with liars, their souls mingle with yours. There were few stand up guys that would “let your yes be yes” and “no be no” in that industry. There were few good men that I could see as a role model. Stated income didn’t work because we’re a nation of thieves.
I mostly told the truth, but only because it was expedient. I was willing to lie, had no compunction against it. I was reasonably honest merely because I knew that people have acute BS detectors, and when you begin to lie, it bleeds into other areas of your life. When you begin to misrepresent, the biggest price is losing your gown grip on reality. When you lose your grip on reality, you create some new, alternate and unsatisfying reality that leaves you confused and anxious. When you’re confused and anxious, you’re a bitch to your emotions.
Being willing to do outrageous things to get my way was part of my arsenal. Not really tantrums per se, but big league threats. I’d make good on stuff people wanted to do because I know that there are few consequences to your actions, that nobody wants to do paperwork and that everyone is dependent on keeping their shitty job. I never ran into a buzz saw, and the people I know all were astonished I hadn’t been beaten up. I could charm my way out of loads of situations.
Honesty: Starts One Place At A Time
I’m in the midst of trying to get to the point where I am much freer. Accurately accounting for my money has had a few effects: first, I know what I can and what I DO make pretty accurately. Second: It encourages honesty in the other parts of my life. I’ve been doing an OK job paying off debt. Not great, just OK. I have always overestimated my income to be what it is on my best months. I have had phenomenal months, and I’ve also put up bagels. My ego dwelled on the good months, and my attitude was that the next great month was a heartbeat away. That’s got its place, but it also bends the reality. I would always live in last month or next month. Rarely this month. I’d say “I make X/year where X = 12 *(highest revenue I’ve had). That was what I did mentally, to justify the lack of stuff in my life. Accounting for that is better, and I’m honestly netting out more than I used to because I’m focused.
Good accounting led me to realize that I had a customer service problem. Too much of my money was being spent on returns. Mostly because I took jobs I felt I “had to” or because I ‘covered up,’ mistakes. I refunded money because I didn’t want problems later. Or, I’d take on a crushing time debt when I had a cash crunch and sell too much and not be able to honor commitments. My refunds led me to realize that I didn’t make people feel valued, didn’t make ‘em feel good. Good at closing, bad followup. That made me look around at the rest of my life. Good new friend, bad lifelong friend. I’m entertaining as hell, but entertaining has limits especially when you don’t care about the people you’re entertaining. Charm wears off. Seduction leaves people empty when the promises are unfulfilled. Being attractive is fine, but if you don’t back up who you want to be it’s not fine. So I realized I was a shitty friend.
And so on. But it was all started about 4 months ago when I began to become financially honest with myself. The dizzying process that exists when you’re subject to the caprices of the IRS should have made me realize it, but like Boxer, I just had to “work harder.” Accounting and bookkeeping saved my ass.
What Next:
I honestly don’t know. I’m committed to helping people first, and trusting that I’ll be taken care of. I’m committed to being the very best dad I can be to my kids. I’m committed to being a good husband to my wife. (I haven’t been, getting fussy and entitled about stuff that doesn’t matter.) I’m committed to connecting to people here. I’m not gonna stay a taker. I wanna be a good son and friend. What next? I don’t know. But all y’all reading this just need to know that this is the first day of some cool stuff that I’m grinding out, and I’m making it all the best I can.
Best to all of you.
This will be the last “personal blog” post I put up here. All “personal blog” posts will be moved to genuinechris.posterous.com The accountability on this site will increase substantially, but everything will be referenced at the posterous.
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