Deserve.

I have a good life.  I’m 35.

I have two kids that love me, are healthy, beautiful and curious.

I have parents that – despite our differences – love me.

I have a marriage that is almost 10 years old. My wife and I have beaten on each other, loved each other, been at war, been at peace.  (Takeaway: don’t marry young). We are both trying hard to figure things out.

I have a new business partner that brings out the absolute best in me. I’m doing everything I dreamt about. Somehow, we’re booked solidly and we’ve lined up months worth of work . He’s delivering on the promises I make, and each month, we build history respect, and we have truly complimentary skills.

I’ve learned to work, really work, and not bullshit people.

I haven’t been beaten yet. I am rarely anxious and never fearful.

I’ve learned to retreat into myself. That is a blessing. Not deciding on things is a blessing, tolerating ambiguity is a blessing.

I’ve learned a little bit of self awareness.

I moved across the country to Oregon. It is intensely beautiful here. We climb mountains all the time.

I’ve made friends, lost friends, and let friends fade away.

I’ve learned to set aside anger, entitlement, bitterness. For the most part.

I’m not perfect. Nowhere close.. But I’m happy.

Thing is – and it’s important: I deserve none of what I have. I didn’t cause any of the technology that makes our times so amazing. I never worked very hard at the right things (more on work habits later).

I am fortunate beyond measure. I know it. I’m living on borrowed time, I’m living by grace.

Somehow, I’ve  come out ahead,. Somehow, I’ve living something close to the best outcome possible for the efforts I’ve had. I have been forgiven many sins. Lies, cruelty, venom, meanness, fraud? I’ve gotten a pass on all kinds of things that I should have never done.

There have been no real consequences for living with indifference to anything other than pleasure.

So, what does this all mean? What do I do with this gift of life?  What can I do in my remaining 45 years?

This is what I want to work out.

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