My life is good. I have a few dear friends, and a large number of acquaintances. I’ve been good, all my life, at staying in touch loosely with people. The hard drive of my brain is written with bits and pieces from different people from different summers, winters, falls and springs.
I remember details, I remember conversations. I remember when I impressed people and when they impressed me.
I also learned something, going through an exercise with Infusionsoft–bringing in all the contacts that I have met in my whole life. It honestly was one of the most significant things to have happened to me recently. Because I love people (they don’t know it, more on that in a minute) I remember everything. Because I’ve been a computer geek all my life, I keep track of everyone. A little bit. Both in my FB stalkerish ways, and on purpose.
I have yearbooks, I have lists of addresses dating back from my 1997 YAHOO! account. I have kept the light on for friends and maintained email addresses just in case I get a forward from someone I haven’t heard of in years.
But the truth? It’s a big deal. Not shocking to those who know me.
I am a fighter. Wired that way. How can I prod, how can I press. The chess player in me figures people out, sizes them up. I don’t have that issue where I think of the perfect insult…ten minutes late. It just rolls out of my mouth, because I arm myself beforehand with what to say.
I want to win, and beat people, and force my will. Every victory is a Pyrrhic victory. This wears people out. Someone does something, makes a some mistake, and I get after it with vigor and venom.
This takes its toll. I might be right in the moment, but I don’t honor people when I lash out. I fill a leaky bucket when I cause fights. I make even my close friends wary of me. Nervous around me because they’ve seen me follow though on getting after people. Dressing them down, and worse. I’m not as easily angered as I used to be. I have mellowed. I save my energy for fewer, more intense battles. I don’t bluff, I’m willing, honestly, to do what it takes to get you to acquiesce to me.
That makes for a tough & empty life. It also means that I’m stuck being a warrior and not a general. By fighting every time, I wear myself out.
But still. How can you trust anyone that doesn’t play by the same set of rules, and has already pondered what to do to bring you down? How can you trust someone that brings a storm-cloud of drama?
By ‘not taking any shit from anyone,’ I am tilting at windmills, spending energy all the time on what people are insecure about, and not doing what it takes to be right, healthy.
It’s a distraction. I hinted at it in my book. I knew it intellectually for years, but going through all of my contacts was a painful experience. There are people I don’t want to hear from because they are jerks. There are people that don’t want to hear from me because I’ve been sociopathically unconcerned with collateral damage my whole life. I want to get my way, and I’m willing to bleed for it.
Again, it’s a distraction. Wining and fighting and spending my energy on nothingbattles is a trick of the devil. Energy should be spent moving forward. When people disappoint me (They will) honor ‘em anyway. Have understanding, have compassion. Be kind first. That will build trust.
Even as I write this, the lesson isn’t totally learned. My ego is injecting thoughts into my head like this: “people will read this and take advantage of you.” or “well, you can still fight, just do it less often.”
Nah. It’s time to have a different ethos. I don’t need to fight, not on stuff that doesn’t matter.
I can bring peace or drama. Which is better?
Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/franglais/
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