The affected “virtual me” identity that I created for myself serves very little purpose. It doesn’t help me build business. There is so much stuff on here (this site) that I don’t even agree with anymore. It feels like I’m stuck.
I am stuck.
I need to burn it down, start again. The thing about the internet (life, really) is that you can be whoever you want to/say you are. Paul Ryan runs a sub 3 and climbs the peaks.
At one point I had a bit of traffic here. Measured in the hundreds a day, most days about 1k visits (real people…the bot number is absurd…for some reason the bots love a few of my GTD posts). I don’t anymore. I have more money, influence, power, whatever…now than I did when I had a bunch of strangers commenting on random blog posts. I sort of miss it. I sort of don’t.
Online, I have this need to do something. Shake things up, show up and transform things. I don’t (always) care if the change is positive. I just have to push/meddle/instigate. I can’t not. I see something that’s wrong and I can’t help myself. I see someone that’s not closing, and I’ve gotta fix it.
I have to introduce people – even if they don’t ask.
I have to comment, etc. I can’t help myself.
Bernard Shaw called it the “Life Force,” and it’s some sort of lunatic wanderlust. I have to meddle, instigate, move. There’s some sort of anarchist inside of me.
But here, on this blog, I have had nothing to say for months. It’s not as if I haven’t been busy, and it’s certainly not as if I haven’t been writing – my job – and my pet projects – keep me plenty busy.
It’s just that it there’s something affected about ‘GenuineChris’. My online identity. So I’ll move to a new one (like @jeffturner did). But will it be another affectation? If I put too much time into it, is it me? Does any of this shit even matter?
I see all of these bloggers (with nice looking blogs that are attended by job seekers that feel the pressure to actually be their own business owners).
What next? I don’t really know. There’s a certain amount of ridiculousness that we have in living a life online with something of a permanent record. I don’t want affect – I want contribution, I want empathy, I want to be able to help loads of people. I’m able to, I’m not seeing this as a delusion, I have insight that a lot of people just lack.