You Are Already Dead

We are already dead.

When our end comes – and it will come – we will either die in agony or by surprise.

It will probably involve a loss of dignity and bedpans. Even if science is somehow able to press the snooze button on life, it’s still finite.

What is there to fear? You know that you’re going to meet a grim and unfortunate ending.

Why stay in bed? Why worry about approbation?

We are already dead.  As we postpone death with life, let’s not do it in a fearful way.

The worst case scenario is a certainty. It’s a virtual guarantee. All we can do is live with passion and dignity.

 

No Education For Me

I went through college from 1994-1998.

I graduated from the George Washington University in late 1999, after owing about $700 in fees to the Gelman library for losing books. I had to get my degree out of hock.

I didn’t learn a damn thing. I did all that I could to not be educated. I even got fairly good grades.

.:.

I majored in Economics, and had enough credits for a double major in Political Science.  Had I taken a history class in lieu of opting to take Peter Reddaway for another semester, I would have had both majors.

I’m not a trained economist.

I’m not really much of a trained anything, except someone that knows how to get by and get through stupid systems.

.:.

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I had a semester to go, and I wanted a break. I had a strange roommate, after being spared a life with an even stranger roommate.  The girl I adored was gone from me, and practicality required that I set such feelings aside.

I had a fun job working at a magazine. Two young owners took me out drinking and I had concert tickets all over. I could see such scintillating acts as 7 Mary 3 or post Runaway Train soul Asylum.  I was selling magazine ads, probably the most inherently difficult job there is. Nobody wants to buy them, and nobody trusts publishers. It’s why I’m good at sales, I was sort of successful selling nothing.

I wanted to take a semester off. I was going nuts. Banging out cold calls to every cell phone store, collecting money from bar owners.  It was hard managing school, especially at the end. A couple of classes had attendance policies (I showed up sparingly to classes except for Econ classes.)

My mom said, “It sounds like you’re about to break our heart,” after i suggested that I skip a semester.  There was despair in her voice.  It was a test of wills.  I caved.

I just wanted to work for a minute.  I was exhausted by being broke, on the respirator.  I didn’t want to rack up credit card debt. I wanted to just relax and make money. I figured I could make $1,000 a week if I was left the hell alone.

I loved DC.  Everything about it, it seemed so big and epic. It was for me. Ambitious hustlers trying to get over on the senators they interned for, people.

I saw the future, and I made the connections I needed to from college.

.:.

I thought college was a sham from the first.

I started at Otterbein College, it was then well regarded.  That’s before the Degree Minting Fiasco.  I started there, and people said, “Wow, Johnson, big time.”  I had good ACT scores.  Bad high school grades.

It was a sham and a half. A continuation of high school, except even easier, and with cheesy RAs trying to get you yo “respect the choices of others.”  I was stuck in a dorm with a feverishly mastrubating Theater student.  I had my standard issue girlfriend, a nice, quiet pretty girl who put up with my ridiculousness for whatever reason.

My courses were easy. They are all easy. There was no thought required of me, no analysis and certainly no research.

I would guess that the only book I Had to read in 4 years was Peter the Great. I read others- Carver became a favorite of mine, but nothing seemed to be required.

I didn’t dodge hard courses, I sought them out.

.:.

My second (and last) year at Otterbein, I had a professor – Dr. Macclean.  She was a well dressed, mean-spirited lady.

In one of the classes, we talked about how Teddy Roosevelt was a “Trust Buster.”

At the end of the class – lecture ended with 10 extra minutes, she was trolling for questions.  After about the third request, I asked: “Hey, how could we bust trusts if they were legal when they formed?  Wouldn’t that violate ex post facto, and wouldn’t it deprive investors and others of expected returns.”

It was a legal question, and it wasn’t a fantastic question, but I was certainly interested. I  was 19 or 20.

.:.

“I don’t think the rest of the class is very interested in this line of thought,” she said, after some hemming and hawing. It was fine that she didn’t know. She didn’t understand the question.

Whatever.

She trashed me for asking an earnest question.

Not one of those “Hey Teacher I’m the Smartest” questions, but a real question I was genuinely curious about.

At that point, I knew that it was all a sham.

All of it.

.:.

I went through college then, learning how to do the minimum and get good grades.  I think my grade point was 3.4 or so. I showed up to maybe 30% of my classes. I didn’t learn much, my degree is a sham.

I thought George Washington University would be better. It was better. But that’s like saying that Wendys is better than McDonalds.  Inarguably true, but it’s still the same genre. More alike than different.

At least at GWU I met people I loved and admired. Didn’t happen at Otterbien.

I can’t see how anyone bright would think their degree is anything other than a sham.

It’s good training for tolerating cognative dissonance. It’s good training for subbordinating your mind to do something else. It’s good training for dealing with assholes.

But it’s not particularly good for learning to work or think.

.:.

I see 30, 35, 40 year olds now going to pursue certifications. In everything from Bartending to Cisco Routering.

Even going to grad school at low end places like Ohio Dominican.

The ads on the radio promise a bright future.

The future belongs to those that can think for themselves, to those that are instigators, fearless creators of opportunity.

That’s who the future belongs to. Not someone with a worthless Education degree or weekend MBA.

.:.

It’s scarier to think that we’re on our own, but nobody’s waving any magic wand to make us ok.

There’s no pushbutton path to ease and comfort.

.:.

Since I left – over the last year or so, I’ve worked to correct the deficiency in my education.

Learning to code. Not because I intend to be a coder, but because the mental abstraction is good for me.

Learning history. Not because I yearn to be a historian, but having context to the present narrative is good for me.

Learning about the brain and how it works. Not because I fancy myself a neuroscientist, but learning why I get mad, why I am happy, and how my brain and body work together can only benefit me.

It’s working. I’m 200 books into my education. It’s cost me less than $1500 bucks, and it’s just starting.

I can’t wait to see what the future holds. I embrace it.

The Tools of My Trade

Just a quick list of the tools I favor right now:

  • Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Scripture.
  • WordPress (blogging/writing)
  • Google Reader: Following up and stalking everyone.
  • Spotify – Music
  • Google Docs
  • Batchbook – CRM (highly efficient/lethal)
  • Evernote – notes/writing/todos later.
  • evernote – taking pictures of goal progress
  • Boomerang – emailing later.
  • Genesis – WP theme.  I’ll change to Headway 3.1 shortly.
  • Macbook Air 13″ : writing.
  • RescueTime – accountability
  • Dropbox.
  • Chrome – Gmail Notifier.
  • Twitter/TweetDeck (narcissism relief)
  • iPhone – communications/music/isolation
  • iPad- Reading books.
  • Text Expander
  • Screen-flow - light movie editing

This is what I’m using now.  Besides Google Docs and WordPress more or less anything can and probably will change.

Mania

A lot of my life I was trying to achieve in some manic state.  You know, intensity. I would do n units of work, and n was always something close to the physcial maximum possible in a perfect day.

I’d say, “I’ll do these every day,” and it would be a 10-12 hour day.  I’d get initial results.

This would happen at the gym (losing the first 10 pounds is a well trodden trail for me).

This would happen at work (finding a sale when I need one is something I am good at).

This would happen at home: “Now we’re on a new, exhausting family plan.”

Problem is…you create something that’s barely possible, and then…

…you’re too sore to go back to the gym. You’ve got no time between finding clients to help them. You turn love into a to-do list.  It doesn’t work, long term to require as a condition of success the physcial maximum every day.

The “doable better” is better than the “possible once.” It’s just hard because you don’t feel like you’re making progress when the progress is so modest.

 

Cultivate Gratitude

There is no better asset in my life than profound gratitude.

It makes absolutely everything better and easier.

Instead of “Having to invoice” you “get to make money and are happy this is all you have to do.”

Instead of “only getting to eat spinach salads,” you “get to eat at all.”

You get the gist.  And cultivating that has been one of the most joyful things I’ve done.

You Picked That Vendor

I see people online – all the time – bitching about how their vendors botched something (and it impacted their customers).

Amazon went down a year or so ago, and everyone was appoplectic.

Bluehost goes down, and people totally lose their shit.

They say “if a vendor impacted your business, you’d bitch too.”

No.  I pick my vendors. I vet them.  I also don’t rely on them.  Not since Netmeg told me not to.

If a contractor screws up an animation, I’ll be just fine.  Their deadlines and the delivery date are decoupled and we’ll do it.

I won’t have anyone to blame.  Because bottom line: it is my fault.  Clients don’t want excuses.  They want results.  Passing the buck onto clients is the province of losers.

Anything that a vendor screws up is my fault. I picked the vendor.  I could have done a better job, but that entitled, snotty, stupid attitude that people have towards their vendors is perplexing.  Because, who picked them?

I could tell you…

Exactly what I’m doing at Simplifilm to conquer the world.

I could tell you exactly – to the detail – what it takes to build what we’re building.

I could tell you *just* how to make a sale to the people I sell to.

And you know what? It wouldn’t matter a hoot.  It wouldn’t hurt my company or my chances.  Because what I do is hard work. It’s requires persistence, attention, detail and velocity.  It requires abandoning bad ideas FAST.  And honestly?  You won’t do it.  Because you want tricks and hacks and kludges.  You want a one-stop shop that, for just $77 a month you can have leads that are eager to fork over their cash.

But it doesn’t work like that.  Automation can happen. I automate the hell out of my marketing. But I’m still there, driving it the car. I’m still there closing the deal, answering the question, composing original emails when the CRM tells me to.

You won’t do that.  Nobody does. So it’s OK if I tell you that I follow 100 RSS feeds and alerts.  It’s OK if I tell you that I use Tout to refine and test all of my messages.  It’s OK if I share my follow up sequence.

Because it’s not the reason I’m winning.

Endlessly tweaking it, working “On” my business as the Gerberites like to say, isn’t getting me anywhere. Dealing with customers does.

How To Fix It All

Today, Ryan and writes a post the more or less describes the path I was on.  It’s a fantastic post.  Go read it then come back.  I’ll wait.

People need attention.  Then, we  flail out against others to prove that we matter.  If we’re not getting attention for our actual achievements…Creating waves, drama, outlandish things makes other people pay attention to us. That satisfies the need.

It gives us some control over our world.  If we say something insulting, mean, or make a scene, people have to pay attention to us.

And getting attention this way is far, far easier than doing real work that matters.

I was given over to delusional nonsense.  Full of flail, posture and bluster.

“You don’t know how to deal with a guy like me.”

I wore people out with it. My coworkers got subjected to endless, stupid games of brinksmanship.

Every negotiation was a drag.

My peers were regaled  with plausibly deniable insults – to the point where sane people mostly stopped hanging out with me.

My parents were (are) subjected to nuclear overreactions to itinerant remarks.

All because it was easier to expend energy in delusionland than it is to do real work.

We all need attention.  The best kind comes from achievement.

We dream of that we get  the key to the city in front of our parents and all our doubters.  We hope for some sort of victory lap where everyone meets our gaze and says “yeah, I want to be like him.”

But that’s not happening anytime soon. We’re not going to arrive.

Because the work it takes to do something great is monumental. Monumental work takes monumental commitment, monumental sacrifice and monumental endurance.

Flailing is easier.  Tantrums are far less dreary than pushing your limits.  So any attention will do.

We enter a pattern.  We do a little work.

Unsatisfied with the recognition, we  lash out at people that are working with us.  Blow it up and start anew.

I’ve been there, and fought it for years.

As predictable as it is boring.  It’s boring to hear about, it’s boring to talk about and it’s even more boring to live.  Because you’re deprived of the best ending you could have.  Your life is predictable, cube dwelling and middle class. Boxing yourself in with every eruption.

We tell others of our past glories, the time we almost made it.

The fact that we’re “too honest” to be a good business person, that wee  ”cared about our customers too much,” and “did the right thing.”

Excuses abound.

The way out though is pretty simple.

Simple doesn’t mean easy.

Get over yourself. Whatever it takes.  Any old kludge will do.  Whatever. It. Takes.

Realize that you don’t matter, that you’re controling a rotting bag of flesh, and you have to live with dignity.  Realize that you’ll be dead, that you’ll be a corpse, and you’ll be forgotten.

If that’s true, what’s left than to live with dignity?

Getting over yourself requires work.

Better than therapy is to read fantastic books. Enter the world of the people that have made a mark. Read stuff that couldn’t be written by some 32 year old attention addled narcissist.

We  read about people that made a mark. We learn what they had to do to think like that, to write like that.  What did they have to go through to be able to come up with sentences that perfect, to live a life with that much conviction?

Then…What have we done?  What attention do we deserve?

Probably not a lot.

It’s not this bleak.

It’s changable, fixable.

It just takes work.  And it just requires that we wait a while before we get our reward. And that we adapt to reality – the market won’t be wrong.

For me, I’m given over to tantrums, drama delusion and nonsense quite quickly if I don’t feed my brain.  I have to feel awe, I have to read about amazing people.  Steve Jobs, Malcolm X.  I have to realize that the price they paid is steeper than the price I paid.

It reminds me that I am entitled to nothing. Nothing.  I have to work to earn everything.

I have to repeat that.  A lot.  Because I wander down that path and delude myself.  When I think I’m entitled to something I realize how good I have it, how I deserve a worse fate.

I have to study philosophy, which is why the Meditations has been hand copied by me 6 times.  Anything to avoid where I’ve been.

If I don’t I implode and worse.

If I don’t do this, it’s not a week that I’m crazy again. It’s not a week that I’m floundering and saying something nasty to my partners, clients and vendors.  I’ll implode.

Every damn day it’s a fight, and I gave up hope thinking that someday I’d arrive and it’d get easier. It’s not getting easier.

Instigate Me Merged Here

I’m not gonna run from my own mediocrity-  I’m simply going to get better.

Instigate.Me was my own desire to run from my own mediocrity.

Say You Want To Be an Author (and I don’t).

I have this half-dream of being an author.

It’s kind of like being a lawyer.  I think about it sometimes, but I don’t really have it in me to go through law school.  Instead of increasing my options, for me it seems that law-school would cut them up a little bit.

Anyway, if I was going to become an author, I would do the following:

  1. Read 10-15 books that you love on the low end of the NYT best seller list.  Business nonfiction that you can stomach (let’s say Seth Godin, Made To Stick and the good stuff.).  Understand the heck out of the material.
  2. Look at the acknowledgements. A lot of people that are listed in the backs of those books are awesome. Find them online and join their communities.
  3. After you’ve gotten good attention, find some excuse to post about them.  Link back to them.  Tell them you linked back to them via email.
  4. Offer to do some free work for the person.

That’s getting to the front of the line.  Do the work, don’t be a fool about it.

Permission

We’re about to make some moves that are going to hurt the other players in our industry.

I expect blowback and hostility before I expect a “warm reception” to this. I saw other people trying to organize the market – folks like 50 grove and other places like Startup-Videos.com.

Everyone’s trying to be the one that organizes explainer-type videos.  Because that’s where the power is.

But nobody’s bold enough to say that there are some crappy ones getting made.

And there are. And they are getting made by some “Brand-Name” studios.

Time to call it out.

Envy

I don’t know of any more destructive force than Envy.

I feel it directed at me for the first time in my life, as people in the space I’m moving into are reacting to what I’m doing.

I understand – lucidly – how destructive of a force it is.

The Secret To Success

So, recently…really…

I’ve discovered the secret to success. It’s not easy, and I don’t yet have the vocabulary to properly describe it.

I don’t really plan to, keeping the tension and magic within me is more important than describing it to you all.

I think that this is the way with most things. You learn something that’s sacred and a part of you, and you can’t break it down into a step by step format – nor would you want to.  You can only live it.