…somehow I was required to be grateful—in advance—for a favor I hadn’t received. And in that instant I promised I’d never behave that way again.
We’ve all met these people. Insecure. Alone. Nothing to offer. I was on the phone with a man who desperately needed me to like him. And let’s be honest: when someone needs you to like him, what happens? It’s pretty icky, isn’t it. It’s kind of beyond icky when they need you do love them. He was bragging about his glories to me, about his significance.
And we all feel hollow when we see others reflecting back our faults.
Our man, we’ll call him Matthew, felt like he’d had nothing to give. He was trying to get me to affirm his humanity. He was trying to get me excited with the vague promise of future referrals. “I’m in good with X and Y and people really listen to me.”
Somehow in the back of my mind, I Get Around plays and I hear Brian Wilson’s plaintive cry: “I’ll make a real good friend…”
I was grossed out. I felt sad for our man. “I’m in good with X and I’ll send you Y.” It made me feel empty in the pit of my stomach. I was getting mugged for approbation. I just had to give it to him, and all I could muster was a wan “that would be great.”
Of course I didn’t believe him.
Of course, no people were coming. He wasn’t going to send me business, but somehow I was supposed to be grateful—in advance—for a favor he hadn’t done. He was engaging and stealing my energy, because he wanted to be around.
He didn’t have the influence to push these people towards me. Not without a fight. He probably had a rolodex of indifferent strangers, and I was supposed to be excited about that.
And by not being excited, he was only coming at me double hard, “Won’t you like me when this happens?”
We both knew that there were no people forthcoming, but admitting that I knew that was breaking a rule. I had some empathy.
Because I have done that to other people. I had tried hard to ingratiate myself. tI promised to deliver people I hadn’t met yet to them. I promised too much and it was too important to me to let it go. It was a youthful mistake, if I really liked someone, I wanted them to value and like me back, so I’d promise to deliver what I had.
When it was done to me I saw how pathetic it is. People that don’t regard themselves highly enough to engage have to pay with willcomes. Promises that they could never deliver. There’s no instant rejection, but beginning a relationship with bragging and with bullshit is never any good.
In the true sense of the word it’s a repulsive habit. When you’re cloaked in the stink of desperation, you can’t influence anyone—they are repelled.
Are you repulsive?
Do you engage people with real promises?
Do you think people can’t see through your BS?
What can you to to be of service in a real and natural way?
Are you forcing connections when there’s nothing there?
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