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What Are You Lying To Yourself About?

By Filed Under: Achieving Goals, Start Here

Iliarliarposter spent my 20′s earning–and spending–a lot of money.

I earned money from being a Real estate agent, and I spent money on nothing.  I had the ostrich head in sand problem for a long time.  Have played at this, but never DONE it.

I’m not unusual.  I have some cash in the bank, but when you take the IRS, the people I borrowed from to bail myself out of the IRS, and everything else, my net worth is -89,000.   That’s negative.  I’m 89,000 in the hole, and happy that I’m not in jail.  In the last 9 years, I’ve only had 2 years that were under six figures.   The bulk of the damage, the state and IRS tax bill that was once $170,000 is now down to $25,000.  It’ll get knocked out. And it’ll make a good story.

I honestly believed it to be less till recently.   I had made a $25,000 clerical error.  A GIGO problem.  A spreadsheet that I worked on had bad data.  But it was interesting, I think.

I hid this stuff from people.  Mostly myself.  I knew how to earn money, and I paid some lip service to frugality, but it was a ruse.  I didn’t care, I figured I’d be a millionaire soon.  Phil Hodgen, International Tax Lawyer (and good friend) says, that the “second you don’t need a Mercedes anymore is when you’ll get one.”   The dissipation of every bit of money I had on stupid schemes that would get me out of the last failed plan was kind of how I lived.  I was grasping for whatever.  When we got rid of the real estate and moved into a dive, things changed, our focus changed some.  Hopefully it’s not too late.

I didn’t spend a lot of money on advertising, I pissed it away on restaurants, shiny tech gadgets, clothing for my wife.  Oh, yeah, and rental properties that were a Bad Idea for anyone to own, that I didn’t care about.  The whole time, I hated my job.  There’s plenty to like to being a Realtor, I just didn’t have the passion for it.

Anyway, I lied to myself for a long time.  See, I had income.  Things are fine, I’m still a smart kid.  I made money, so I can’t be failing.   I’ll fix it later.  Who cares, everyone has these problems.  Thing is, they are preventable.

In the long run we’re all dead.  That’s what Keynes said.  But the thing is, how we lived matters.  I can’t endure the stress of it.  Deal is: I had all the means to have a good pile of wealth now.  Somehow, my ego never let me feel this.  I always find some excuse, some reason that everything was still OK.

It’s not OK.  The debt is suffocating.  I’ve taken it from $150ish (realmoney) to $89.  Now it’s time to home stretch this thing and get this smoked forever.  It’s all survivable, and it’s all a distraction.  You can’t operate with debt, not like you can in reality.  Think about this:  At 10% (my average interest) I’m paying $9,000 a year, or $750/month to debt.

Think about that.  That’s before I do anything, I gotta pony that money up.

It’s fixable, though.  I’m earning at a good clip.

I’m pretty sure at this point that there aren’t going to be any other ‘surprises’.  I honestly had believed that the debt was down below $20k.   And it’ not, and so this thing is going in a google doc.  that google doc is gonna get iframed into the sidebar.  And I’ll be updating it once a month.  All the component parts of the debt will get added in.    I’ll do this tomorrow.

I want to be transparent for selfish reasons.  I’m not bragging.  I’m currently doing pretty well.  I collected up all my debts and spreadsheeted ‘em.  I’m going to get rid of them one by one as fast as I can.  The first goal is a $4800 loan that costs $200 a month and is at a ghastly 14% interest.    I can do it.

Here are some personal finance bloggers:

The Simple Dollar – more consumerist than I’d like to be, but better than I am.

Five Cent Nickel – opinionated.  Tough.  And good.

“You’re Too Fat” and 5 Other Nice Things You Can Say to Others.

By Filed Under: miscellany

I’ve battled my weight off and on all my life.  Actually, I’ve battled it all my life, but I’m currently winning the battle.  I’ve reached the “end of the beginning” stage where I’ve taken off about 35% of what I want to lose overall, and I’m heading in the right direction with reasonable speed.  But, I carried excess bags around since probably mid-2004 (when I crossed the line from a little out of shape to fat).  And the thing is…nobody told me.  Nobody pointed it out or put any pressure on me.  [Note: The fault of being fat was 100% mine.  This isn't passing-the-buck b.s.]

People were afraid of hurting my feelings, likely.  Nobody says, “you’re too fat,” even when it’s painfully obvious.  Even an “I love you, but you’re too fat,” doesn’t get said as often as it ought to.  Because honestly?  People in trouble need to know that you’re aware of their condition.  I know that I self-rationalized my weight all the way up to 275# by saying things like “I’m not that fat,” and “Kohl’s still carries my size.”  Let ‘em know that this is hurting them.

It’s not that you want to jab ‘em all the time, but a simple “you’re too fat – what are you doing about your weight?” once in a while can bring it to the forefront.  “You’re too fat – would you like me to help you get to the gym?”

Had my friends and people who I respected said that, I don’t know if anything would have changed, but who knows.  I was too fat.  It was and is painfully obvious.  I am doing double the work now to overcome that.

How to Tell Someone Something That Is Unpleasant

You have to just deliver the message.  Don’t prep them.  Make it matter of fact.  “Oh, by the way, you’re too fat, and if you ever want my help getting the weight off, let me know.  I still love you.”  Having a long windup gets people’s defense mechanisms and ego invested.  So don’t say, “Um, there’s something that you may not like that I gotta tell you, but I still love you.”  That puts ‘em on edge, and they’ll dismiss it.

Just deliver your damn message, and let ‘em know succinctly that it’s holding them back.  And don’t be wedded to telling the story of a low-carb, alkalizing, special fitness program.  They’ll find their path when it’s time.  Deliver the message quickly and leave them to find a solution.

Make sure you’re not being gratutitous — and that you really care about them…and not about being superior…then ‘let ‘em rip.’

5 Things You Really Ought to Say to People (and They’ll Thank You)

  1. “You’re broke because you spend money like a moron.”
  2. “Your girlfriend is a do-nothing piece of trash, and you can do better, so have some balls, man.”
  3. “Everyone thinks you’re an asshole, so tone down the type A bullshit.”
  4. “Your clothes went out of style when Seinfeld was popular.”

and of course…
5.  “Your butt really does look fat in those jeans.  Ditch the jeans or get a new butt.”

Please feel free to mixx, Stumble and Digg this stuff.

You Simply Cannot Fake Autheticity

By Filed Under: Start Here

I get some criticisms about my “personality” a lot.

  • I’m abrasive.
  • I talk too fast.
  • I bulldoze over people.
  • I’m arrogant.
  • I don’t listen to other people’s point of view.

To that I say (in order)

  • You have stupid ideas.
  • You think too slowly.
  • You are a milquetoast.
  • Effectiveness isn’t arrogance.
  • Why would I listen to people that are repeatedly inept?

Nobody can stand anything resembling a display of ability. It makes everyone around mad, it hurts everyone’s ego. And, it draws ire and venom like nothing else. For too long I took to heart, the fears of the incompetent, and made them my own. For too long, I made the aimless and nebulous worries an excuse not to act.

It’s possible to be ridiculously good at many things. I apologized for ability, and let it atrophy. I appologized for clarity, and let it drift away. I let the attitudes of those who don’t impact me far more profoundly than I should have. Here: This graphic was passed out at our last meeting:

office_revenue_october_2007.gif

This is not an anomalous picture; I’m usually around half or more of the revenue; doing more than 4 others combined efforts. I’m not “raking it in, either.” I’m doing alright, but the rest of the people must be starving.

Why do I let their critiisms in? Why would I value their advice? What can they offer me? Why let them lecture me?

I’m not saying that we should not treat people without respect, but in that venue, they are no more qualified to give me advice than I am qualified to give Bill Gates advice on how to be an entrepenuer. But I have to listen, I have to validate, and I have to coddle…or else I’m an asshole.

I got a diatribe from someone about producing deals. I had to listen to this thing for ten minutes, about how my “service” wasn’t high enough. (About 70% of my deals are from referrals from Realtors, the rest, referrals from cusotmers….)

After the insinuation that I’m being dishonest (from a guy who I saw commit fraud) I interrupted: “I don’t want the business that you have, and so I won’t do the things that you do.”

The guy was looking for justification for his role in the businesss…IF he can’t outsell me, his ego requires the manufacturing of achievement-some metric where he’s better/stronger/more than me. His ego requires that he’s better at something than I am…and rather than compete with me, he does that!

It’s HARD to be uniquely valuable, uniquely insightful, authentic, productive, and different. It’s easy to swim across the grain and to swim upstream. And NOBODY ELSE wants you to do it because it’s an affront to them. Examples:

“He’s not really frugal, he’s a failure that has no money…”

“He’s getting his business because he steals…”

“He only had one idea/got lucky once” (i.e. the Mark Cuban attacks)

“Sure, he’s good at this, but I’m good at (non sequitir).”

“Nobody likes him.”

The danger of listening to (or even being around) the mediocre:

  1. You become like them. You want to screw up your own life? Fine. But HOW DARE YOU OBSTRUCT PEOPLE FROM THEIR DREAMS! HOW DARE YOU, WHO WON’T TAKE A RISK, DISPENSE ADVICE ON ANYTHING?
  2. You accept their standard! Look, I wanna compare myself to better people than me. I wanna reach and change, and grow in effectiveness, insight and value. How can I do that if i hang out with idiots? Sure, I can be king shit of turd mountain, but who wants that?
  3. You lose the sense of never ending possibility and youth. Man, the unifying quality of the mediocre is that they are already old and set. Their goals might be to get
  4. You start to self censor You have better ideas than most mediocre people. You censor the good ones.

Finally, four things to keep you from becoming medicore:

  1. Look at real metrics to discern competence. If you’re a blogger, how many long term readers do you have? If you’re a salesperson, what percent of your industry does better than you or does worse?
  2. Don’t let your ego lie to you. If someone out performs you, figure out why. Is it a connection they’ve made,skill or style they have?
  3. Have a big damn dream. No matter what iti s, don’t settle. No matter what you’re doing, don’t lose the sense of endless possibility that goes along with having great dreams.
  4. Build creativity from a base of consistency. First, crush the game that you’re playing. Then, go into blue oceans.

Jack of All Trades Doesn’t Always Apply: Some People Are Just Smarter.

By Filed Under: Start Here

(note: I have a ton of stuff to get out there tonight–maybe a ton of it will become a post, maybe not).

Your mind automatically finishes the following sentence: Jack of All Trades….

And we all know that type. The “Experts” on everything, dispensing knowledge without thought, and giving direction of dubious value (but regular frequency). I see people (largely because I sell for a living) bouncing around from job to job or company to company. They’ve done a lot, but never well.

And then there are others–and I’m sure you know them. The Physician that is a world class violinist, the Attorney who knows five languages. Ben Franklin, who charted the gulf stream, assisted in creating the Declaration of Independence. It’s not impropper to be good at different things.

The difference between someone who is good at a lot of different things, and someone who floats like a drifter is competence, ability, and commitment. Mostly, commitment. Some people are just plain “Better” at things. Some people do things right, plainly, and without showing off. I would think that the “Master of None” comes from people that drift, gain a little experience, fail, but are somehow left from the experience as “world class experts.”

…that nobody wants to talk to.

….because their next big thing is just around the bend.

….because the knowledge that they have is blunted by the fact that–at the core of their being–they are not committed, not competent, and they are full of only sound and fury.

If you aren’t committed to winning the game you’re playing, then you give yourself the mental outs, and aimlessness that begets incompetence. If you’re doing something, REALLY DO IT. Be sure to be the best, most, fastest, anything “est”. Subordinate your ego to being effective, and don’t insist on patting yourself on the back for achieving low end mediocrity.

The thing about life is this:

Man, the time is gonna pass anyway. Suck every drop of marrow out of it. See where your limits are. Stretch them.

Lesson #1 from Joe Paterno: “Potential Ain’t Worth S#!t.”

By Filed Under: Achieving Goals, Start Here

[Note: Joe Paterno wasn't a great example of whatever. I'm sorry I mentioned him, as he  was a cultural reference.]

Joe Paterno is credited with saying that about a linebacker he took a pass on….according to legend, JoePA didn’t see him as a worker. And, apparently, JoePa was right because the dude had physical skills but became a Juco washout. (Note: I originally heard that story at one of the Mike Ferry events I attended, and it seems to fit with the rest of the stuff I learned about Joe.  However, Mike has a habit of…well, not telling the truth.)

Joe’s right. Potential Ain’t Worth Shit.

Let’s take another example. Penny Hardaway and Michael Jordan were both supremely gifted athletes. Both could do AMAZING things with the basketball. Both had massive injuries… early in their career. One was a coach killer, one was “That rarest of all–the supremely talented over achiever.” Michael outworked absolutely everyone around him on his way to 6 championships. Penny blamed his coach, his teammates….and wound up pissing away more talent than 99.9997% of the people that have ever competed in game of basketball.

Potential Ain’t Worth Shit.

I have always been–everywhere–earmarked for great things. From kindergarten on, it’s been expected of me that I’d climb/rise. until now–I’ve never really been on the path to do much with my life. Mostly because I’ve been committed to being uncommitted. I’ve fed my ego with the idea that if it’s not this…it’d be something else that I could do.

When I was a Realtor, I was “too good” to be a Realtor. I was not one of them. I was above them, and I won awards, but it was an easy job “a monkey could do.” Yes, I had a built in excuse not to sell out for my job. I was in the top 5%, making an easy six figures every full year I was in it–but everyone was shocked that I didn’t get into that top 1% area (which makes fringe pro athlete dough), and further shocked when I limped out of the business, fatter and burnt out.

Now I sell mortgages, my job has been a “stepping stone” merely for me to coach, to train, to start my own company. I never fully engaged myself in what I was doing…so I’ve had a built in out any time I wanted one. I’m not just “some lame-o mortgage broker…” I’m a future business owner, and why should I engage my considerable talents on this business?

When I was at GW, I was graduating in a year, regardless, so I never applied myself.

When I was at Otterbein , I was getting ready to transfer to GW, so I didn’t have to work that hard.

When I was in the Army Reserve, that wasn’t going to be my career.

Now that I’m fat, I comfort myself with the fact that I’ve been here before, taken the weight off before, and any time I really want to, things will be OK.

We all have built in excuses to fail, to screw up. Our parents to and peers were let us off the hook. In our culture, nothing is ever “our fault.” Now, I’m 31, and I’ve never t hit on all cylinders for very long. I’ve had myself committed to being uncommitted. That way, I never measure myself against anyone.

Most people are Just resting on Imaginary Laurels!
That’s all it is, man, and people do it all the time. You have to earn the position you’re in day by day, moment by moment. You’ve gotta engage yourself, to see how far you can go. Accept the fact that you’re always gonna have people left that are luckier, smarter, richer, more equipped than you. Get over that–let your ego go, and then spend the time maimizing YOUR talent.

“And to whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required” Luke 12:48

If you’re reading this, you’re in the “much is given category.” You’ve got intellect, you understand a lot. You’re going to either make ultimate use of your talents…or you’re going to waste them. Your ego can be a bitch. It’s easier–mentally–to be disengaged from your life, to wear the “gen-x” slacker/underachiever mantle. It’s easier to scoff at people.

When I was a Realtor, I heard the most astonishing comment as I was separating myself from the people in the Bullpen by having results…”If all I did was sell houses all day, I’d have 4 listings, too.” All that she did was order pizza, and that’s why she beat me to 250 pounds…

I’m not saying be a workaholic. What I’m saying is that in your job, when you work 40 hours, put a passionate 40 hours in. Be engaged in–and committed to–what you’re doing. When you’re with your family, ENGAGE. If you’re going to do something, do it balls out…to the best of your ability.

Don’t Scoff, Don’t Pretend important things don’t matter.

It’s the way of our world to scoff and sneer. It’s WAY easier than it is to really get after it. It’s way easier mentally to make excuses, but it’s never the right way to do things.

My life is my fault, and my creation. I’ve been given a certain amount of ability, but why blame others for the things that are wrong?

It’s my fault that I’m fat.

It’s my fault I’ve never had a book published.

It’s my fault that I’m not a millionaire.

It’s my fault that I’ve never accumulated wealth (or given any money to any noble pursuits).

It’s also…

It’s my fault that I don’t live in a trailer park.

It’s my fault that I have the skills and ethos…needed to earn 6 figures instantly and in any city in America.

We have been given an awesome freedom to create an awesome life for ourselves. To let our ego con us into thinking that we “could have what they have” if we don’t “do what they do,” is vain delusion. It’s easier to scoff at the successes of others than it is to succeed yourself. That’s ego, too.

SO….

  1. What areas in your life do you let yourself off the hook in?
  2. What mental crutches are holding you back?
  3. What is your best?
  4. How often do you get the adrenaline that comes from having done a GREAT job?
  5. Are you working in your dream field? Working towards working in your dream field?
  6. Or working on excuses to let yourself off the hook?