A dad's advice to himself and his kids.

Hello, Jack and Ruby,

I’ve made loads of mistakes in my life.  I’ve always–always–gotten more than I deserved given the circumstances. I’ve been mean, cruel, depreciating and I got to have you and to marry your mom.  I’ve  A blessing, to be sure, and I’m humbled by the  largesse that God has fit to bestow upon me.  I’m grateful for the life I’ve had and for every moment I’ve been alive.  I did nothing to deserve this!  Nothing!

Of the mistakes I’ve made, the pattern that rings out is undervaluing kindness in others. There was sweet classmate named Jason.  He was someone that I enjoyed talking to, playing chess with, bantering with.  He was smart, guileless, and kind-hearted.   None of his jokes were barbed.   He didn’t grow up with much in the way of means, yet… he was kind all of his life.  I was a friend to him privately, when it didn’t cost me much.  I was kind to him when–and only when–it wasn’t going to bear some social cost.

In public, I’d join with anyone making cracks at his expense.  Yes, he was occasionally socially awkward (aren’t kind, sweet people generally)?  But he accepted me as I was…and was a generous friend to me and to many others  He required nothing of me and he was content for the times I was kind to him.  I discarded him, didnt’ treat him as a peer, but as an entertainment source.  We’d talk when I needed an ego fix.  And then when I was done with him, off I’d go.

When you’re young, you think that the whole world is watching you.  And that every interaction matters, and will either + you up the social ladder or – you down it.  The ladder doesn’t matter.

It wasn’t just him.  I was always aware of a hierarchy in my family: who’s richer, better, smarter, neater than whom.  If someone was not cool, I had granted myself license to treat them indifferently or with cruelty.  I wasn’t raised this way but there were certainly bright lines of who’s in and who’s out of our tribe.   I was cruel to a nice kid, and it was because I thought I should be. Because the praises of the other mean people were somehow meaningful.

Now, as you probably know, Jason is dead.  He died of some unfortunate circumstances, and I lost touch shortly after High School.  He was happy to see me and came up and said hi, but I was with another friend and I didn’t acknowledge him.  I felt a little pang at the moment.  I looked for him afterwards but he wasn’t around, and that was my last interaction with him, till I heard maybe 2 years later that he’d been involved in his own death.  What if I’d mirrored his kindness?  It’s not as if I’d achieved some social standing in the insane caste system of high school.   (Life is fragile, and we never know what kindness can do).

I valued charisma over kindness.  Being glib, hip, clever.  I still do to a degree, when I forget myself.  I’d guess we all do, and we have to look at intent: is someone’s intention to be kind, to be a blessing, or do they intend to just be clever?  What is clever?  What problems does clever solve?   My life is marked with people, men and women that were fundamentally kind.  I discarded so many because I perceived them as dorky.  Hell, I bet kindness makes you seem dorky.  It can be projected as weakness, or dullness.

It’s neither.  Cruelty is inexcusable, and it’s real lack of integrity to treat people one way privately and another way in public.  If you’re living this way you’re trying to hide something.  In fact, you’re probably acting with cruelty if you’d be uncomfortable if anyone found out what you were doing.

Learn from my mistakes, and be as kind as you can be.  And if someone wants to ostracize another, pity them.  They don’t know what they do, and they’ll either regret it later, or they’ll lead an impoverished life.  I’m doing what I can, and I hope that I can set a good example all your life.

Love,

Dad