How to be happy: It was one of the most important moments in my life. Sometime in early 2006, I was sitting upstairs in a rocking chair with my son Jack. He was sick as hell. I was broke because I had just had the wonderment of getting levied by the IRS at the same time I was going through the normal bad month in Real estate sales. Heather had just quit her steady job at Dominion, and with it, health insurance was gone.
And my son was sick, he had a high fever, and I had no access to any money, and no health care.[1] I was rocking him to get him to calm down, and I was worried: if I took him to Urgent Care, I’d write a check, and the check would bounce, but at least he’d get care. I was calculating doing just that. I was praying about it, hoping for something, wondering what I could pawn, and wondering what would happen next. I had a real estate transaction that was closing for $10,000 plus in a few days, and I was wondering how to get that money into an overdrawn account and how long the bank would hold it.
Jack calmed down, stopped fussing and went to sleep. He seemed to have a blazing fever and he was breathing hard. Heather was exhausted from bearing the heavy load of taking care of. I was hoping to cry, but I couldn’t–I wasn’t ready to cry just yet for whatever reason. I was worried about Jack, and that little man, and my own failure to provide the basics. I was terrified that at any moment he could be taken away from us, and it’d be my fault, and my marriage would fall into that chasm that opens whenever kids die. I had read the numbers: 75% of marriages didn’t survive the death of a child.
Then something broke in me. I thought, “What did I do do deserve this little boy.” He was a joy, becoming interactive, exciting, and happy. What did I do to deserve him? Nothing. And I thought, If God should take him away, isn’t that more than I deserved? Wasn’t the time with him amazing, and a reward far beyond anything that I’d earned in my life? At that moment, my life changed course.
I was entitled to nothing, and a grave wound was struck against entitlementality in my life. My life wasn’t forever perfect. But that night–that moment–was the first step towards peace and wisdom and calmness. Whatever will be will be. Whatever God desires, hey, it’s cool. I’m in.
I realized that the universe owes me nothing. (How to be happy: kill entitlementality)
I had up to that point covered insecurity with things. Dinner out, awards for being a productive Realtor. I had not really added a lot of value to my fellow men. I had floated on the top of a rich society that allowed mediocrities like me to be treated to unfathomable riches. I had not been a good man, son, husband. I was just consuming whatever I could get my hands on. And I realized that. That the boy that I held was a gift–not a right. That whatever happens to me, whatever havok came into my life was a small price to pay. I deserved no Grace. I have deceived those who loved me, told lies, committed bad acts. I didn’t deserve a beautiful wife, an awesome house and a boy that I was bringing comfort to.
I didn’t deserve the privilege of rocking Jack to sleep. I deserved a worse fate, and I was lucky. (Still am).
I hinted at this post at Bloodhound. From that moment on, a big part of my big ego died. I still wrestle bad habits of thought, I still shoot off my mouth, and I had 3 decades of stupid thinking to overcome. I’m about 4 years into that, and I’m finding the vocabulary of insight to overcome that.
I’ve learned: prestige and possessions are targets. They give you things to worry about that don’t matter. How can you be happy if you have added other things to worry about? If someone likes you or if they don’t–doesn’t matter a hoot either.
Being happy isn’t what happens to you. It’s how you regard life. It’s how much you think you deserve. I’m not advocating for living in squalor. I think that we should do what we can to eliminate stupid stress from our lives.
You are less important. If you regard things that you have as important, rather than who you are and what you do…you’ll always be lacking, you’ll always have issues.
The more value you put on yourself, your props, the worse life is. When you seek pleasure through stuff and prestige, you’re always going to be lacking. If you seek pleasure trough work and service, well, you might just have a chance.
[1] Despite this, I stand against ObamaCare with all of my heart. I have integrity, and I’m never going to enslave others for my convenience.
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